Manmohan Singh is Wondering Who Will Play His Role in New Bollywood Film

The blog entries of Manmohan Singh reveals the former Prime Minister is excited about the film and looking forward to which actor can best play his role.


Tuesday, 21st July, 2015

Brilliant news! I am going to be a film star. They are going to make a movie about my life as PM. So excited! Ever since I saw Manmohan Singham, I knew I had the potential in me.

Mock Manmohan Singh:

My staff tells me that the internet is full of my pictures. This means the public loves me. This film has super hit written all over it.

Discussed casting with Gursharan. Who will play me? It can only be Shahrukh, Salman or Aamir. Amitabh is too tall. Which of them will look better in a turban? That’s the key.

Ram Din looks up from the coffee table. During the discussion, he has been polishing the remote. “Kindly let me know if Salman is coming,” he says, “If he’s driving himself, I’ll ask people to stay clear of the footpath.” Eventually we agree on Shahrukh. Age-wise, he’s closest to me.

Now that we have resolved the casting issue, the next question is, who exactly is making this movie? Must be a good person, since he has selected me. Nevertheless, I should find out more.

Wednesday, 22nd July, 2015

I looked up this Sunil Bohra, who has purchased the book rights from Baru the Backstabber. Was pleased to learn that Baru did not get paid very much. It was very mean of him to release his book just before the elections. In hindsight, we should have released his provident fund earlier. But all’s well that ends well. Thanks to him I will be a movie star.

As I had thought, this Bohra fellow is a man of good taste and judgment. He has produced a film about somebody called Mastram. Apparently he was a notable author. He has also focused on small towns like Wasseypur and Chittagong. I have always encouraged focus on small towns. It’s good that he’s not an elitist like Karan Johar or Farhan Akhtar. Plus in Karan Johar’s films everyone is crying constantly. This would have given a misleading impression. It’s true that things were sometimes bad during my tenure, but we did not cry all the time, except for Kapil, who has a tendency to be theatrical. One time, when someone showed him a cartoon featuring Madam, he wept inconsolably for hours. But this was not the norm. By and large, we were quite calm. I don’t believe in talking too much. Why would I let my enemies know what I’m thinking?

Thursday, 23rd July

Someone mentioned that the film might be a documentary, in the style of an American director called Michael Moore. Apparently he has made a film about George Bush. Sounds like an excellent person. I called up George to ask about him, but all I got from the other end was a stream of abuse. I hope it was a cross connection He used to be such a sweet fellow. Retirement must not be suiting him.

Briefly considered calling up Putin to mock him. Soon, both George and I will have films about us. But despite all the bodybuilding and the shirtless selfies, no one has made a film about him. Eventually I decide against it. Putin can be very ferocious, and he is getting friendly with China. I don’t want to do the nation a disservice. You can question many things about me, and people frequently do, but you cannot question my patriotism.

Friday, 24th July

Nothing much happened in parliament, so we had a script meeting today. Madam, Chidu, Kapil and Shashi came, along with Rahul Baba and Priyanka Baby. Shashi was wearing an orange kurta. It seems to suit him. He’s so handsome, he looks good in anything.

The meeting was a disappointment. My dreams were crushed. My plan of being portrayed by Shahrukh was rejected by Madam. “If Shahrukh Khan has to play anyone in this movie,” she said, “It should be Rahul.” Everyone else agreed instantly. Kapil nodded so vigorously that he sprained his neck. This happens quite often at our meetings. Ram Din is used to it. He quickly brought an ice pack, which he had kept ready in the refrigerator. But it was Rahul who surprised us all. He stood up and protested, very loudly. “I absolutely and totally refuse this proposal,” he said, in his new voice which makes him sound like Batman. “Until Sushma Swaraj resigns, I am not allowing anyone to portray me in anything!”

I’m worried about Rahul Baba. He’s just come back from a long vacation. People think he was in Thailand, but actually he was hiding in my basement, along with an Italian chef from the Tonino’s who catered to his food requirements. It was the ideal place to hide because no one ever comes to my house. I have no idea what happened in the basement, but he seems to have changed a lot. His beard is bushier. His jaw looks squarer. His voice has changed completely. Could this be a duplicate? Is this why Delhi Police came to his house and asked about his shoe size? Did political rivals who fear his charisma secretly replace him? Or is he the victim of some advanced medical procedure gone horribly wrong? When I first met him after he came back, he kept talking about NREGA, so I thought he was OK. Now, I am not so sure. I will be keeping a close eye on him.

“If anyone has to play Manny Uncle,” he thunders, “It should be Manny Uncle. Who can play a better Manny Uncle than him? If a man cannot play himself, then whom can he play? It’s his fundamental right! What kind of dictatorship have we become?”

This had not occurred to me, but it makes sense. Why not me? After all, I have decades of experience performing on the international stage. I smile at the others to indicate that I approve of this idea. Taking their cues from me and Rahul Baba, the others also start to agree. Kapil tries to nod his head, but his neck is hurting too much. To my astonishment, I am betrayed at this moment by Priyanka Baby, of all people. She has always been so kind to me, bringing me mufflers in winter, and sending baskets of fruit, along with vitamin supplements. And yet she is vehemently opposed to this plan.

“Let’s not take any chances with Uncle Manny at this age,” she says, pinching my cheek. “We want to preserve his health for the future. Don’t we, Uncle Manny?” She twinkles.

I do not like the direction in which this is going. I thought my duty was done. I realise now the mistake that I made. A foolish one, after a lifetime of handling files.

The next time someone asks me to retire, I’m going to get it in writing.

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